Alex Koslov – My retirement

        You know I never really used the word retirement when explaining my soon to be disappearance from pro wrestling. But I get it, it’s catchier, it’s what gets the clicks. Hey I am doing the same with the title of my first blog! Ha! I have not at all thought or planned much about blogging until very recently. The impulse occurred and I thought, shit, sometimes I got a lot of things I wanna get off my chest and not just wrestling but across all kinds of subjects. I’ve been around the block a bit with 31 years of experience in this beautiful conniving game of life. So I am gonna let it out dear folks!

         I want to take this opportunity to say to the wrestling fans that I am not any different from all of you. Most of you. Let’s just say the total average of you. I won’t lie it’s in my real life character to wanna feel better than, but I am NOT any better than you. The difference between me and the wrestling fan is I took it a step further and pursued it. When I had begun in the business, I would travel 2 and a half hours from LA to San Bernardino just to get the tape of the previous wrestling show I took part in from Jesse Hernandez, my first trainer in the business. Oh I loved watching myself. And I loved to pick me apart. I was a harsh critic of myself. But what seriously aspiring artist wouldn’t be. You’re on TV, so how you look is pretty damn important. But for me it was almost like I wrestled for the sake of the tape, not the wrestling itself. Just so I could watch myself. Maybe because it was kind of surreal to actually be doing something that I’ve watched on TV for so long. Sometimes, obsessively I confess, I would go on message boards and read about what others thought of me and my matches. I would go to websites such as wresteview.com and wreslinginc.com and read the dirt sheets and I got off of it. I still do it today. I realize I am such a mark for pro wrestling.

       When I started watching I thought “Hell, I like this a lot. This excites me!” The chills I’d get being among a sea of enthusiastic fans at a live event! “I have to become it. I have to do it.”  I couldn’t distinguish between the overwhelming feeling of excitement I felt in the pit of my stomach for the spectacle itself  with the preceding feeling of true inspiration one gets in their heart to go pursue that which is tickling their fancy. Besides I didn’t know any better. Like a stubborn little child, what I wanted I was gonna get no matter what. So I became part of the spectacle, the magical caravan, the circus that to the outsider is in all respects a marvelous “family oriented” event. But far from sweet and family oriented on the inside.

click image to enlarge.

          I never imagined I would be wanting out of what was my life for over a decade. Yes,  12 years later and I am thinking I need to figure out if this is even what I wanna do anymore. Am I over this or are there other unforeseen forces pushing me away? And really, is any of it worth it if I can’t enjoy the ride? The ride after all is the life I live. One thing I learned about accomplishments is they don’t fulfill you permanently. Before you know it, what’s achieved and acquired becomes the new norm and irrelevant because you’re off to the horses on to the next one . I was successful. I mean sure I haven’t made a million dollars doing it, and I am not famous, but I definitely got to taste all of that. I’ve done everything I wanted.  I’ve surpassed my goals.  At first it was a goal of mine to get good enough to pique enough interest in the promoters to fly me to another side of the country from California where I was residing. With some luck I was doing just that and more, traveling the world, making headlines and making appearances on the very same sites I’d read as a young man. A part of me always felt like it was surreal. For a kid from Moldova, to come to America and childishly say “this is what I wanna do” and to actually do it? I had drive. There was no quit in me. There was no turning back, I had cut loose the ropes to the vessels. That was how I was gonna make it. And with enough perseverance I did. I had all the reason to feel it to be surreal! But my ego, ever so insatiable.

    I don’t know where my life is gonna take me right now. I don’t know if I am ever going to wrestle again. One thing I know is that stepping away from all of this is absolutely necessary for me. Somewhere along the line I simply “Lost my smile” So readers, stay tuned and I will keep you tuned thanks to social media. I am not going anywhere. I am just changing forms. I am gonna leave you with a really special video, hope you enjoy it. And thanks for reading!